god, i'm attractive

#21 - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

You know, I happen to be a pretty big fan of Basterds. I think it’s as great as a Tarantino movie can be. I’m a firm believer in the fact that Tarantino offers thrills and entertainment and interesting characters and tense situations. Building tension is probably the most important aspect of any Tarantino film, and this scene is the pinnacle of that. 

What else can I say, really? This scene is just really intense and just keeps amping up. I really dig it. Django and Pulp Fiction almost made this list, so they get honorable mentions.

#20 - THREE COLORS: BLUE

These write-ups are gunna be so terrible. And I don’t feel bad about it! 

This is one of the most beautifully shot scenes ever. I love it. I love the blue tint that everything in the film has and this scene is the most beautiful example of that. I love that we never see Binoche’s character with her family; she is always alone in the film and I think that is more powerful then had we seen anything with her family. Overall, a totally powerful, beautiful opening to a powerful, beautiful film. 

Hint for #19 - a Palme d’or winner

I really like Fiji. I don’t love it, but I also don’t think it’s as bad as most people make it out to be. I certainly understand why people don’t like it: the most obvious winner in history, a completely dull, insipid cast, a lack of big characters, a pretty dumb twist before the merge, and just an overall negative feeling. And for all the cons, I’m not so sure there are many pros. 

Another problem with Fiji would be the blatant sexism is every way. There were only 3 (out of ten contestants) women at the merge, and I’d say the only woman to get a really fair amount of screen time was Lisi, who is just brutal to watch. Outside of this being the biggest Survivor sausage fest ever, it’s a decent season. Having watched it again, I definitely like it less then I always have and would probably now put it in the 19-15 (out of 26) range. 

So, you’ve got Earl, the winner. He’s always been one of the five best players of all-time in my eyes, but I’d bump him down a bit after rewatching, just because he made a huge error by including Yau-Man in his end game. I like his gameplay otherwise and generally think he’s a good guy, but he really is pretty dull. Plus, like I said, he is the most obvious winner ever. Yau-Man is big name of the season, and I frankly never quite got the big deal. He’s likable, but not lovable. His game play wasn’t overly impressive and his choice to make that deal with Dreamz was incredibly stupid and I have never felt bad for him over it, despite respecting how well he handled it. Dreamz has a storyline I really like: the street kid who doesn’t know when to shut up has the potential for a redemption story arc, but blows it and becomes one of the most despicable villains ever on the show. 

The pre-merge is definitely weak, but after the merge there are big moments like the Edgardo blindside and the Dreamz/Yau deal, but the season is definitely an overall disappointment considering how much I enjoyed it a little over a year ago. 

Things to (re)watch for the rest of this summer. *This post will be regularly updated, so bookmark if you have any interest*

- Remainder of current top priority list {6 films}
    o El Topo
    o From Russia with Love
    o La Dolce Vita
    o The Manchurian Candidate 
    o Persona
    o Winter Light
- Next top priority list {40 films - 20 director catch-up + 20 superhero quest} 
    o to be updated - 10 directors/2 films per director + 20 superhero films
- Arrested Development S4
- 21st Century Best Picture Nom. Challenge {11 films}
    o Amour
    o Babel
    o Chocolat
    o An Education
    o Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
    o Gosford Park
    o In the Bedroom
    o Letters from Iwo Jima
    o Munich
    o Seabiscuit
    o Ray
- Survivor seasons
    o remainder of Fiji rewatch 
    o Borneo rewatch
    o Cook Islands rewatch
    o China rewatch
- Summer 2013 releases
    o Frances Ha
    o Before Midnight
    o Man of Steel
    o This is the End
    o The Bling Ring
    o Pacific Rim 

#22 - A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

“Freddy’s home”.

This film opens with a quote, courtesy of Edgar Allen Poe, followed by a young girl trying desperately to stay awake. Soon we realize, we are no longer in a world of safety: the waking world. She’s fallen asleep and we are in her dream. 

For those of you who don’t know, I adore this series. The Nightmare on Elm Street films are a great horror franchise, and the first three make up one of my favorite trilogies. Minority opinion of the day: Nightmare 1 through 3 > LOTR. Sorry… 

So, the third film is some kind of masterpiece of horror. The first is a classic, and the second is great as well. Now, twice is a coincidence, but three times is a pattern. And this film proved that this is a series that had life. Unfortunately, none of the following films ever lived up to the first three, despite none of them really being bad at all (with the except of New Nightmare, which I really do not care for). Although the later entries in the series fall into a few traps (Freddy’s one-liners, repetitive and boring plots/characters), the first three are all completely fresh, scary, and compelling experiences. 

This third film offers a new angle for the series: joined dreaming. A group of Freddy’s nightly victims find each other in a mental hospital and decide to fight him all together, through learning to share their dreams with one another. Sounds lame, but it’s really quite cool. The screenplay is also written by Frank Darabont, believe it or not.

So the opening scene itself is really quite creepy. Essentially, our protagonist attempts to rescue a little girl from Freddy’s house, right as he arrives home. He chases her through the dark, gloomy halls of the house, and the deeper we go into the house, the more disturbing things become. It really is great. And there’s a beautifully creepy shot, with our protagonist running away from Freddy in a slow motion, with him running after her down the hall, with his arm extended into the air, his five of his finger/blade things opened. I just found it really chilling and it just put the scene over the top for me. Still not my favorite dream scene of the franchise, which goes to Carlos in part 5, I think. 

But yeah, this was more of a write-up expressing my love for the series as a whole, but I think that’s fitting. This is by far the best opening scene of the franchise, for one of its best entries. 

Hint for next (double) elimination:
21 - The only Tarantino film to make this list. 
20 - A foreign film from the 1990’s. 

#23 and #24 - THE DARK KNIGHT and THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

“So, why do they call him The Joker?”

“Yes, the fire rises”. 

This one hurts as a very pro-Burton Batman/anti-Nolan Batman guy. I really wanted to put the opening for Batman Returns in this list, but it can’t quite crack the top 25. Instead, we have The Dark Knight films here, and they earned their spot with two really strong opening scene.

I’m afraid that my age is showing, having included Jackass and now Nolan’s Batman films, but the two opening scenes are really lovely. I’m a casual Nolan fan. I hate the fanboy movement that worships him as some sort of cinematic deity, but I will admit that these two scenes are beautifully crafted. 

Both have a wonderful sense of tension about them that really is quite interesting. Both introduce their villains and provide an increasingly tense atmosphere, as well as thrilling, fast-paced, first-rate action. These scenes are just fun, and they’re wonderfully handled fun. 

There is something to be said about Nolan’s evolution as a director when you look at these delightful action sequences, as opposed to the brutally handled action in Batman Begins, shot in incomprehensible, quick-cutting shaky cam. 

The Dark Knight’s opening is much smaller in scale. Rises offers a more epic opening, as if he consciously decided to top himself, and I personally think he did. 

So, to wrap this up and repeat myself, these scenes are fun and breathtaking and handled beautifully. I am not a big fan of what Nolan did with Batman, but these scenes are really quite great. These scenes are truly greater accomplishments then the their respective films as wholes. 

Hint for next elimination: the third film in a horror franchise. 

#25 - JACKASS NUMBER TWO

“I’m Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass”. 

What a grand opening, eh? I actually rewatched this film yesterday, and this is the film that inspired me to do this list. 

Basically, this is going right on the bottom because I realize that it’s not artful in any sense. It’s just fun. It’s a not-so-gentle reminder that you’re about to get immersed into the delightfully bizarre world of Jackass. 

I’m a pretty big fan of Jackass. A ton of it is completely uncomfortable to watch, but in a wonderfully endearing way. What I mean is that these guys are mainly likable and are SO close and SO comfortable around each other, and the sense of fun is sort of infectious. 

But this opening scene, like I said is a brief reunion with old friends, as well as a reminder that we are about to re-enter such a reckless, illogical world. The bulls chasing the entire cast is not only a great way to build upon the opening scene of the first film, but also a way to incorporate all those angry bulls, which have become such an important, reoccurring aspect of the Jackass films. I love it. It’s not important in terms of cinema or relevance to anything, but it is completely fun. 

Hint for next elimination: Double elimination of two films by the same director. 

So, this post will function as the central hub of the ranking for the next month or two. I will be bookmarking this post and for anyone else who cares to follow the ranking, do the same! 

The following list, accompanied by links for individual write-ups, is my personal favorite top 25 opening sequences in the history of cinema. 

25. Jackass Number Two
24. The Dark Knight
23. The Dark Knight Rises
22. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Caramoan in a nut shell, is the same as Samoa: a good season that they absolutely ruined. It had a ton of flaws to begin with, honestly. Way too many idols, the Fans tribe got destroyed way too early, the swap was designed to give Favorites the advantage on both sides, and the casting of the Favorites was weak. But, the boot order and unpredictable, clusterfuck-y nature of the season was pretty good post-merge. But this thing was just edited so poorly, it’s ridiculous.

All pre-merge, Phillip was shoved down our throats, then Malcolm, and finally Cochran. Reynold got a ton of airtime too, but other then that, I’d say that most people were either unfairly robbed of an edit or just plain underdeveloped. 

The finale itself was completely bizarre and… well, bad. It was not a good finale. And this is definitely the least likable finalists ever. I like Dawn and Sherri in their own ways as characters on the show, but in terms of just having good, likable people make the final three, this doesn’t cut it. And had anyone out of the final five made it to the end, it would have been the same story. What a terrible group to end the season on. 

So, the Erik medevac was so strange and so out of place. It was definitely at least a little bullshit. I mean, the guy went on practically every fucking reward. I think it dawned on him that his game was tanked after the Brenda boot, so he saw that as a way out. I really lost all respect for him last night.

The Eddie boot was whatever. I don’t even care. He’s a good character, but it was predictable.

So, everyone has basically known about the way this season turned out for a good year now. In the beginning, I truly thought Sherri was going to win, based on what she had going on before the tribe swap, but then she had such a strange drop-off in the edit. I’ve never seen anything like that. She went from a mastermind edit to a complete worthless goat edit in a matter of a few episodes. Then I shifted my focus to Dawn, and she certainly did have a few moments that could indicate a win, but the sheer masturbation of Cochran in the last few episodes had given it away. Sickening.

So, now the Dawn/Brenda thing. Why had this not been built up all season long? I mean, up until Brenda’s last four episodes, she had 0 confessionals and 0 screen-time for 8 straight episodes. Then they show us the teeth-thing with Dawn and start building up Brenda. But come on, we should have seen their relationship building long before the teeth thing and we should have seen Brenda’s hero edit the whole time. I mean, the blindside and Brenda’s jury speech were powerful and shocking; imagine how could it could have been if she weren’t snubbed for 8 weeks.

Anyway, the cast: 

20. Phillip - Could anyone else really be on the bottom? The guy is a disgusting human-being who hogs all the airtime from actual interesting people who are actually playing the game. Fuck Phillip, he’s right down there with Russell and Colton. The worst part is, he got a HUGE edit, and what did he DO? Seriously, all season long, what did he do? Nothing, his presence in the season was so large, yet his effect on it was so minuscule. Fuck him AND the editors. 

19. Cochran - Shocker! This cocky little prick shifts suspiciously between “oh, I’m a neurotic, self-loathing dweeb, how could anyone like me?!” to “I am the most dominant player this season and I’m going to win either way” that it’s just sickening. I mean, I hate South Pacific Cochran as much as the next guy, but I’ll take that variation of him over this season any day. At least he wasn’t such a self-serious, droning, delusional gamebot who thought he was playing a perfect game. Fuck him, he’s awful. He’s a cocky prick pretending to be an insecure nerd.

18. Shamar - He was around for four episodes and he made this big of an impact. He’s awful. Survivor needs to stop casting nut jobs. Problem solved.

17. Brandon - I can’t believe I’m ranking a Hantz so high. The fact that he isn’t on the bottom is truly a testament to how awful the casting was this season. Brandon is a blatantly sexist, unstable little man who seriously needs some professional help.

16. Francesca - You know, I wasn’t a big Francesca fan in Redemption Island either. I got her appeal, but I didn’t like her. This time, she came out and got voted out first AGAIN. That’s because she didn’t learn from the first time. She played the exact same way again, and (SURPRISE!) got the same results. Yet she still claims she was eliminated because she was a threat… Delusional. And then she’s had the balls to talk shit about Andrea all season long for voting her out when they went into the game with an alliance, yet Fran was targeting Andrea at the exact same tribal! She’s so fucking terrible, I just can’t handle it. 

15. Erik - The guy clearly didn’t want to play. He made it a point to address that he didn’t want to play a strategic game and that he just wanted to be told how to vote. So, he then has the balls to stand up to Sherri at the final tribal council and give her shit for “not playing the game”? He’s terrible too! This cast just SUCKS. He only ever talked about food and how starving he was, yet he was the one to get the most food rewards out of anyone. And he literally ate like the day before he was medevaced. What a joke.

14. Hope - Okay, we are out of the people I hate and into the boring/”just there” people. I literally have nothing to say about Hope. 

13. Allie - ^

12. Andrea - Meh, I never really cared for her all that much. I find her to be an annoying presence on the show. She just plays way too hard and she comes across like one of those perky girls in high school who raised their hand for every question the teacher asked. Her taking the idol out of Erik’s hands, followed by an immediate karma sandwich was really quite good though. Overall, I don’t really care all that much about her. 

11. Matt - The bearded wonder. I remember him being just really likable. 

10. Mike - He was so robbed! He did get a fair amount of screen time, but I mean that I wanted to see more of his personality. In the Ponderosa videos, he was so funny and cool, and we saw none of that on the actual show. For shame, great dude. 

9. Julia - <3 She’s so dull! I must admit, I mainly love her because Cochran had the balls to go on a rampage confessional insulting how boring she was. I know I’m incredibly biased, but pot calling the kettle black anyone? Just lol @ the most droning, monotone, fuckface calling ANYONE boring, when all he does is sit around and talk about his personal growth or how successful he’s been in the game. How did this shift back to a Cochran write-up? haha, but seriously, Julia is dull but I do like her a lot. And fuck Cochran!

8. Eddie - Ugh, what a douche bag. But, he was the most clueless dumb-ass arguably EVER on the show. How he made it so deep into the game is beyond me. He’s just so stupid. Like, he’s douchey, but I don’t think he’s a BAD guy. He seems like a sweetheart, but his main appeal is just that he’s such an incompetent mess. Also, lol @ him being a big “physical threat” and not winning a single immunity. He brought the lols.

7. Corinne - You know, I really get why people hate Corinne. She’s a flat-out cunt, and she’d be happy to tell you that. But I find her funny and entertaining, and she gets a ton of points for having an intense rivalry with Phillip this season. She’s always been a favorite of mine.

6. Sherri - So, Sherri is so strange. Like I explained earlier, I’ve never seen anyone have such a random change in edit out of nowhere. I mean, for the first four episodes, I really thought she had this in the bag. So, she gets points for her metamorphosis alone: from the HBIC to the goat everyone wanted to sit with at the end. Plus, her jury performance was SO bad! But at least she owned Erik hardcore. 

5. Dawn - I was really torn on where to put Dawn. On one hand, I hate that she was such an emotional wreck who relied on people to console her and make her feel better, then cold-heartedly vote them out. I’m not one of those people who think you should apologize for game play, but the fact that she was such a consistent burden for EVERYONE out there became annoying to ME. On the other hand, Dawn had such an epic transformation from South Pacific to Caramoan. She went from the hero mother-figure to one of the big villains in recent years. She played SO cutthroat toward the end and that contrast with her complete inability to hold herself together was interesting to watch on television. Dawn is a good character, but I really don’t care for her at all.

4. Laura - I love Laura! She was a bit strategic threat right off the bat and it was SO refreshing that Survivor gave a young, attractive blond girl the edit she deserved for being a legit force in the game early on. I guess this high placement isn’t so much about her, but more so for how refreshing her edit was.

3. Reynold - Another douche, but the guy just delivers. His jury speech was pretty comical and he just has a charisma. He seems like a bright guy, which is funny because he sucked so terribly at the game. Again, a bit too big of an edit based on what little impact he had on the game, but at least he was compelling.

2. Brenda - I think everyone was pumped to see Brenda back. Her showing in Nicaragua was impressive and she was a really interesting power-house character. But then we saw how they edited her, and it was just wrong. But, her relationship with Dawn became a focal-point late in the game and she emerged as the hero to Dawn’s villain. Again, this story should have been built up from early-on, but whatever. I’m not HAPPY with what they did to Brenda, but I’m satisfied by the outcome. Plus, her jury speech is probably my all-time favorite now. I generated one of the eeriest, most uncomfortable moments on Survivor ever, and I LOVE it.

1. Malcolm - Could there every be anyone else in the top spot? I hated how Malcolm was a villain early on this season, and thank goodness he ended up back in a scrappy underdog position, because that’s where he belongs <3. His rise and fall (AGAIN!) was so captivating, and watching him get consistently screwed by his allies was funnily frustrating. He’s not a great player overall, but I think he has the potential to be. He’s definitely a new all-time favorite. 

And now, the season-ranking update including Caramoan: 

1 Guatemala S11
2 Marquesas S4
3 Pearl Islands S7
4 Vanuatu S9
5 Amazon S6
6 Panama S12
7 Philippines S25
8 Gabon S17
9 Australia S2
10 Fiji S14
11 Tocantins S18
12 China S15
13 Borneo S1
14 Nicaragua S21
15 Micronesia S16
16 Thailand S5
17 Palau S10
18 All-Stars S8
19 Caramoan S26
20 Heroes vs Villains S20
21 Africa S3
22 South Pacific S23
23 Cook Islands S13
24 Samoa S19
25 One World S24
26 Redemption Island S22

Tonight is the finale of Survivor Caramoan. In something like 9 hours, we will have our 26th Survivor winner. But, the spring season of Survivor usually has its finale corresponding with Mother’s Day. So, I’ll be missing the finale tonight to go see my mother. 

The last time anyone in my family missed a Survivor finale was on May 14, 2006. Survivor Panama. It was Mother’s Day too, and it was the day my grandmother died.

I remember in 2008, going to see Iron Man on Mother’s Day, only to come home to watch the finale for Survivor Micronesia.

The sad thing is, I care a lot more about one of these things then I do the other. So I ask myself, am I such a scumbag? No… but my mom is! And that’s how I sleep at night.

#1 - MIKE THE SITUATION

How can it be? Well, I’ll tell you….

First things first, Mike is a big douche. That’s just a given. But the guy DELIVERS. 

Mike consistently stirred up trouble on the show with a plan to sit back and watch all the drama, yet he always ended up getting involved in any drama at all (whether he started it or not). What keeps Mike from JUST being a self-righteous, cocky, instigator is that fact that he just plain delivers whenever he’s on screen. He delivers comedy, brilliant quotes, and countless moments of great entertainment. 

There’s not a lot to say, other then the fact that I just find him hilarious and everything that comes out of his mouth is gold. A few of my favorite moments:

- “Ronnie’s hooking up with grenades, and uh…. lovin’ life”
- (while referring to Deena’s nickname Blast in a Glass) “What is it? Blast… blast in a cup?” 
- “I splashed some water in my face and I realized… we got grenades, man!” 
- having an argument with everyone with half of his penis blatantly hanging out the top of his pants
- making out with a girl in a club and suddenly stops, pulls his shades down to the tip of his nose, and stares blankly into the distance

Then there’s his stupid nickname. Like, he calls himself The Situation, which is endlessly funny in itself, but then he goes ahead and introduces himself that way and orders pizzas and stuff on the phone using the name. It really is funny and I think he KNOWS that and does it ironically. Which brings me to my next point. 

If there is one person in the cast who plays up their persona for the cameras, it is Mike. He strikes me as someone who is probably pretty smart, but gets caught up in this life style and just became a total douche by choice. 

There are moments where you feel genuinely sorry for him though. Like when the girls all made Pauly a cake for his birthday, but not one for Mike. The him vs Snooki stuff is pretty tolerable in small doses and I really take his side in the matter. I don’t think he’s justified to use it as a weapon against Snooki to sabotage her life, but the fact that these are even ideas that go through Mike’s mind is what puts him on the top of the list. He seems to live in some exaggerated universe in his own mind, and it’s absolutely fascinating and hilarious to watch. That being said, again: it could all be put-on by him for the cameras, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. But (back-tracking) for all the times I kinda felt sorry for Mike, there wasn’t one as priceless as him sitting in an empty house in Italy, wearing shades and a neck-brace, just beginning to quietly and gently cry to himself. What an incredible image. 

But, there are countless moments beyond just the pure hilarity that he offers. He plays the villain for pretty much the entire series. He is constantly behind the scenes stirring up trouble, getting involved in people’s business, and admitting to be doing it in the name of evil, which is very compelling. I remember watching one of the very last scenes of S1, where he says something along the lines of “I owned this house” or something, and thinking that he was delusional. But looking back, I don’t really know. Is he really a puppet master or just a delusional meddler? I don’t know, but I think the guy is really pretty diabolical.

There’s a great moment in S4 where they are all going on a tour in Italy. Mike acts childish about how long and boring the tour is. He physically isolates himself from the group, and we see Pauly peering at him with such an incredible expression of disappointment. These are two guys that used to be brothers, but drifted away from each other as a result of Mike’s actions and you just see Pauly looking at him feeling such disappointment, and it was great to watch. Mike offered a great storyline to the show and I appreciate absolutely everything he contributed over six seasons. 

So yeah, I really appreciate Jersey Shore in ways that just about everyone else seems puzzled by. But, whatever. I dig the show a ton! I wish people let loose a little more often and just enjoyed the show. People seem to have these preconceived notions about it that can tamper with their potential enjoyment of it. But I get that it’s not for everyone and that’s cool.